| In The News |
|
. |
| Work Safe |
|
|
| NSFW |
|
|
| Today In History |
|
|
| Quote Of The Day |
|
|
|
| Funny shite Mistakes Men Make and things you will never hear a Man/Woman say. |
| Wednesday, January 26, 2005 |
I found this recently on the web I don't know who wrote it or anything like that but I figured it was worth posting it up here. Also take note this is an adult subject no kiddies please.
40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN
(Some Men Really Need To Read This)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her
feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by
cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of
foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a
difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to
extinguish
the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake
repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head
from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they
get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're
trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive.
They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your
tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and
thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on
the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and
West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've
ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So
start paying them some attention.
8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled
fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask
her to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along
side of the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they
plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep
going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the
waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant
present, not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the
material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe
that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than
you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in
principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried
away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her
vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in
the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move
toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of
buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.
18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do
is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an
assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly,
with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach,
the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few
seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of
her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
it may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the
mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At
least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her
interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you
really don't know, don't ask
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down
there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her
clitoris.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it
will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about
three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to
use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it.
When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do
what's necessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
there. And don't grab her head.
27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them.
In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all
the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so
much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions.
If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being
drunk is an excuse.
30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the
words" to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey
on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all
handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian
gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner
with snapped hamstrings.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have
a prostate. Women don't.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck,
if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and
jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big
turn-on.
37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900line. If
she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she
might even do the same for you.
39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too
heavily, she will turn blue.
40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a
soup kitchen.
Things You Will Never Hear A Woman Say . . . .
Don't dirty your T-shirt wiping that up. Use my blouse.
I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want em?
That was fun. When will all of your friends be over to watch porn movies again?
I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one.
What a wonderful Valentine's Day gift!
While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal, they'll still cover the point spread.
I know my parents are in the other room, but I want to have sex with you right here, right now!
Let's just leave the toilet seat up all the time. Then you won't have to mess with it anymore.
I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch.
You passed out before brushing your teeth again, you big silly!
Things You Will Never Hear a Man Say....
I've decided that I'm a boob and ought to get a job.
When I start bringing home paychecks, how big do you want 'em?
Honey, you look gorgeous in all 12 dresses. Buy them all! Then let's shop for just the right jewelry to match each outfit.
While you were in the bathroom, Martha Stewart decorated the gingerbread house with candied walnuts imported from France. You made it back just in time. She's about to install the gingerbread four-post bed in the edible master bedroom. It's darling, isn't it?
I was just at the Bed-Bath-Kitchen-Closet-Linens-Knick-Knacks-and-Beyond Store, and I bought us a deluxe antique-style bathroom set that includes a matching tissue dispenser, throw rug, soap dish, towel-warmer, toothbrush-holder, toiler-paper cutter and air-freshener-sprouter. Each piece has that faux-art-deco trimming you find so adorable.
Honey, is the new In Style magazine in today's mail? It was supposed to come yesterday!
I am sure there is more to add to these lists but I am tired and its late so deal with what you have to read right now ok. I think thats enough posting for one night when I should be playing video gam............ ummm sleeping
Wired Wizard |
posted by Wired Wizard @ 2:31 AM   |
|
|
|
| Day In the life |
|
I could lie and say that many people have asked me what a typical day in my life is like but those of you who know me already know the answer to that one so just for some S&Gs (shits and giggles) here is a typical weekend agenda for me.
Friday Morning
8:00am still sleeping
10:00am wake up briefly to have a smoke and take a piss check on kid back to bed.
10:37am Pounced upon by said kid like tigger in a Winnie the Poo Book.
10:38am scare the shit out of kid send him to living room to watch tv while I make coffee.
10:45am drink coffe grumble alot smoke another cig while drinking coffee.
11:19am asleep on couch while kid watches TV.
12:30pm wake up long enough to make kid brunch. Slug down another cup of joe.
12:39pm Return to couch for as long as possible.
1:00pm Phone start to ring uncontrolably for next 5 hours stupid people shouldn't use the damn phone.
1:30pm get myself and the kid dressed (maybe)
2:15pm turn on computer check email contemplate on updating page decide against it surf the net for a while read my normal pages, Leave AIM on with answering machine hahahaha return to couch.
3:39pm check AIM to see if messages have been left.... None so far GRRRRRR turn off monitor return to couch.
4:00pm check fridge to try and figure out what to make family for dinner.
4:01pm try to sneak in power nap before making dinner.
4:18pm smacked in face with smelly sock by kid... CHILD MUST DIE chase kid around house tickle till face turns blue let breathe repeat. Child give up goes to room playes with toys.
4:30pm round 2 with kid wrestle on floor for about 40 minutes or untill I am to tired to move send kid back to living room.
5:00pm finaly decide what is for dinner start cooking.
6:00pm bring in trash can check mail take a piss mess with kid by changing channels for a while check dinners progress check email again and AIM messages still nothing dammit go out to garage for game time.
6:30pm feed child and then bathe if needed pick up toys and scattered clothing from floor before anyone gets home do dishes.
6:31pm head back out to garage continue gaming.
7:00pm Mom gets home B.S with her for an hour or so my mistake for asking about her day.
8:30pm put kid to sleep
9:00pm take a huge shit have smoke back in garage for more gaming time.
9:03pm shit forgot to check email and AIM nothing again shut down computer return to garage.
9:45pm Amanda gets home from work gives me required dirty looks for being in garage playing games.
11:00pm Amanda goes to bed me still in garage playing games.
2:30am starting to get sleepy must finish level so I can save and go to bed.
4:45am finished level got second wind finished a few more levels looked at clock holy shit time to get to sleep already.
5:15am finished saving had last smoke took piss off to bed.
Saturday
8:00am sleeping
11:49am sleepwalk into garage smoke cig take piss return to bed.
3:37pm someone is on the phone wants to talk to me I take phone hang up and go back to sleep.
5:00pm get out of bed have smoke take shower eat something.
6:00pm Amanda at work mom at walmart with kid enter my gaming sanctuary.
6:40pm mom get home from being out all day with kid I pretend I have been up since at least noon.
9:40pm Amanda gets home quickly save game run to bedroom and turn on tv need to do the quality time with her at least once a week I am not that cruel.
11:30pm quality time over go have smoke Amanda goes to bed passes out in 3 minutes return to garage.
4:18am go to bed damn you oh shit forgot I turned on pc sometime around 6 or so check emails web pages see if any one left message on AIM 20 messages dammit.
4:28am hit the bed pass out in a puddle of my own drool.
Sunday
8:00am woken by mom "would you like to go to church?" NO back to sleep.
11:00am squished by kid who went to church with mom kid wants to play. 5 more minutes please.
2:00pm crawl out of bed smoke eat shit ect.
3:00pm cook early for family sit on couch for a while.
6:00pm eat dinner do family thing for a while.
10:00pm watch tv in bed room fall asleep watching infomercial.
Monday
8:00am this is to early for me to be up must find job. Raid Monster and Career builder check want adds in paper call placement assistance. Run around all day
4:00pm pick up kid get home worn out tired no job FUCK start dinner.
5:00pm feed kid give kid bath watch cartoons with kid. Check online status periodicly.
8:00pm put kid to sleep slither back to garage till Amanda gets home in bed by midnight. (normally)
Tuesday thru Thursday
Repeat monday
Some people live other just exist sadly I just exist.
Wired Wizard |
| posted by Wired Wizard @ 1:47 AM |
|
|
|
| From The mouths of Babes |
|
Ahh the innocence of youth when you can say what ever comes to mind with out fear of reprocussion. Unless you live in a Mormon or Jehova's Witness' house but thats another subject. It's true though kids say the damndest things ( most adults only say it drunk) So here is a list sent in by Kari of things kids say.
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're going to be stuck with.
Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
Freddie, age 6 (Very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8 (Isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9 (Bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8
"And the #1 Favorite is........"
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, age 10
I can only imagine if I had the razor sharp wit that I do now when I was a child if I would have made it out of my pre-teen years.
Case in point... When I was about 9 or 10 I was locked in the trunk of a car by my cousin Gary. He had came over to my house with his dad and this was probably only the 2nd or 3rd time I had seen him or remember seeing him. Of couse being the smart ass that I am I started insulting him for no reason other than the fact that I am an asshole pure and simple. I asked him very sarcasticly who cut his hair and what was up with his teeth just being a total jerk of course, next thing I know I was in the trunk of a car begging for mercy to be let out. My cousin asked are you going to be nice if I let you out of course I said yes. No sooner than the lid was opened and I was a safe enough distance I called him a Mother Fucker and ran for the saftey of my room. Of course this is all speculation as I can't remember this event ever happening but several of my family member vouch to it't validity. Anyway I guess that I could have possibly been the next Richard Pryor or George Carlin had my proclivity for being a smart ass had been nurtured.
Jokes sent in by Kari story by Wired Wizard.
|
| posted by Wired Wizard @ 1:08 AM |
|
|
|
| Lazy Is as Lazy Does. |
| Saturday, January 22, 2005 |
I have a bad habbit of procrastinating. Nothing new but I wish I could blame my laziness on the lack of new stories or updates but that would only be the partial truth. The real reason has been ummmm Elvis clones from outter space abducted me yeah thats it.................. Ok so thats not it. Thank God I didn't get into that and start talking about anal probes and big water head aliens that would have been embarrasing. Oh shit I did it anyway. Oh well. The real reason for my absense has been I was on this expedition the tebitan mountains and found this dude in a brown fidora hat and bullwhip something about being an archiologist....... Naa far to outragous. Ok I have been lazy I got a game cube recently and Resident evil 4 and have been holed up in my garage there are you fucking happy now. Sheesh oh well so now here it is Saturday and I have a ton of cleaning to do so This post ends here and now thats what you get for not beliving me about the aliens see totaly your fault not my own. Anyway a few new stories will be going up with in the next few hours/days/weeks/months get the picture ??? so keep an eye out for them.... No not fucking literally keep your eyes in your skull you silly shit oh just check back every so often for the new stuff. No go get skat go be a productive member of society or something for heavens sake.
Wired Wizard. |
| posted by Wired Wizard @ 1:21 PM |
|
|
|
| Whats That Smell. |
| Sunday, January 16, 2005 |
One summer my cousin Steven spent a week with us in Brooklyn. Now it didn't happen that often maybe 3 times in our lives that he stayed with us ( I would normally stay with him and his family in Long Island. Well that particular visit we ended up going to Manhatten. We did the typical tourist stuff while there and at one point ended up at the World Trade Center. Well my mom just let us loose in the building and we decided to ride the elevator up and down a few times. That was our thing so to speak when ever there was an elevator around. Well the first few times it was just us riding and then suddenly a well dressed man entered the elevator. The suit he wore must have cost in the thousands and back in the 80s that was a shit load of money but anyway we just stood in the back of the elevator quietly. Suddenly the smell of cabbage sewer gas and a New Jersy Landfill on a hot summers day filled the elevator. I looked at Steve and he Looked at me I shrugged my shoulders and denied the stench he did the same and we both looked at the well dressed man in front of us. He just stood there with out so much as a flinch. We silently concluded the Mr.Well dressed was the culprit. The doors to the elevator opened up and we litteraly ran out. Looking back the guy had a huge grin on his face there was no doubt that Mr. Well dressed was the guilty party. The doors closed and we could hear him laughing his ass off behind the doors. I tell you it don't matter who you are or what age Farts are funny but damn not in an inclosed area like that, that is just cruel and unuseual punishment I tell you. Needless to say I will probably remember that day for a long time to come. So will Steve...
Wired Wizard |
| posted by Wired Wizard @ 4:58 PM |
|
|
|
| Wal-Mart Phone Calls. |
|
As fate would have it our home phone number is one digit off from Wal-mart, we probably get about 30 calls per week for Wal-mart and at all hours of the day and night so it is a bit frustrating.
Some people have been known to call 3 to 4 times in a row absolutely sure that they have the right number and couldn't have possibly dialed it wrong.
On one such occasion the woman called the house 3 times in a row looking for a gift that she had no luck finding anywhere else. Well the 3rd time the phone rang I answered thank you for calling your North Lakeland Wal-Mart this is ( insert name here)
The lady replied Oh thank God I finally got the number. Well she told me her laments about not finding her perspective gift. I asked the woman to please hold for a moment while I checked our stock room ( At that point I went to the bathroom got a SKU number off a box of condoms) Well I told the woman on the other end of the line that we in fact did have what she was looking for and to sweeten the pot I told her that the item was on sale on top of that. I gave her the SKU number to boot so that all she had to do was give an employee the SKU number and save some time as well. She thanked me over and over and told me that she was on her way right up to Wal-mart,and eventually hung up the phone. I jumped off the couch and ran to my room to get dressed. My mom asked me what I was doing and I told her I had to go to Wal-mart to see something and hopped in the car and drove up to Wal-Mart. I walked around for a while and sure enough I heard a woman yelling at the top of her lungs saying I do not need or want a box of condoms I had requested something totally different I even called ahead to make sure the item was in stock and I was given this SKU number and told to come up and pick up my item. She must have argued with the walmart associate for about 10 minutes the whole time I am just an isle over laughing to myself to the point where I almost started crying because I could barely hold back the laughter. Finally a manager came over to our poor desperate woman holding a box of assorted condoms wondering where the mistake was made. Comfortable in the knowledge that I had done my evil deed for the day I left and went home laughing my ass off the whole time. So the moral of the story is don't fucking call my house expecting Wal-Mart and when it suddenly does become walmart be carefully it just might not be.
Wal-Mart part 2.
On several occasions I have had to drive up to walmart in a hurry just to find out what happens to my victims when I send them on wild goose chases. Another such incident was when a woman called my house at 2am looking for her husband. She called only 2 but since it was late night I decided to mess with this poor individual. Once again my devils made their presence known. I answered the phone. Hello thank you for calling your north Lakeland Wal-mart this is ( insert Name here )how many I help you. The woman asked if she could be connected to the lighting department where her husband worked, I said please hold, I pressed a button on the phone to make it sound like it had clicked over and said This is ( insert name ) Lighting department.... The whole time making my voice a bit deeper and changing my accent. She asked is (husbands name) there??? I said please hold and let me check. I came back a few seconds later and told her that he left with his girlfriend to go have lunch and that he should be back within a few minutes. The woman just said oh really and hung up. I knew what would happen so I got dressed and took off to walmart for a late night soap opera. I walked in and headed for the bathroom supplies which is right next to the lighting department and began to browse the items on each peg and waiting for the fireworks to start. Just as I had given up all hope I turned to my right and saw a woman stomping by calling her husband by name in a pretty pissed off voice. Now I can't say that what followed was pretty but I will try to remember what happened as best as possible but I know that it won't be verbatim.
She finally found her husband and began to cursing him up one side and down the other the whole time maintaing his innocence and that he was the only one in the department at that hour and the phone had not rung. She continued to yell at him and telling him that he promised that he would not cheat on her again and that she belived his sorry ass and that she couldn't belive that she belived his lies and that it was over and that she was going to her mothers house. Strangely enough the guy actually confessed that he had been cheating on her but still maintained his innocence for that evening that he had been at work and had not taken a break and that she had to belive him... All I heard was a sharp smacking sound and her walking off. I went to the next isle and asked the guy for some lightbulbs and went on my way. Strange how shit like that works isn't it ?? So once again if your in Lakeland and your calling Wal-Mart be afraid be very afraid you might get ME.......
Wired Wizard |
| posted by Wired Wizard @ 4:06 PM |
|
|
|
| Introducing Kari |
|
My friend Kari is a really funny individual whom I have known for at least 6 years now. We met on ICQ back in the day when it was reserved for people who were too cool for AIM. I struck up a converstaion with her and the rest is as they say History. So without further hesitation here are a few of Kari's stories a really good read if I do say so myself.
Ok let’s see – most of my stories I can think of right now are stories about my mom. They’re funny to me and to the people in our family, probably just because we all know my mom. That or their “you had to be there” kinda things. There’s hundreds of “mom stories” but will just send you a couple for now.
A little background. My mom is very very reserved, polite, very religious type woman. She does not believe in swearing, (I got my mouth washed out with soap so many times growing up I’m surprised I didn’t go to the bathroom and find a bar of soap) and she absolutely hates alcohol, and will not even allow it to be in her house. Even now all us kids are between 28-43 and we still don’t dare go to her house with even a hint of any alcohol on us, even wine is forbid. I think she’s still living in the 50’s and thinks she is June Cleaver. Although she is a brunette, we all swear that she is a blonde, and dies her hair dark so no one will know. She has 6 kids & a husband, all with a healthy appetite for humor (some of us more twisted & sarcastic then others, but we all tend to be able to see the lighter side, joke around and not take everything so seriously). But not my mom she is serious 24/7/365. Too her, everything is serious.
My mom has a “knack” for saying and doing stupid things on a regular basis. Not that she does them intentionally, but she does them just the same.
Growing up in the middle of the mid west our parents would take us on vacations every summer too 3 main places and we would rotate from year to year between Denver – Chicago – Ozarks (Arkansas) all within a day’s drive of our home.
On one particularly memorable trip out to Denver aka Rocky Mtn’s we were all blessed with my mom’s “knack” throughout the entire trip. For those of you who are familiar with Denver – it was about 11am and we were driving up Pikes Peak to the Mile High. My dad pulls over at one of those little - let’s see if we can fall off the mountain - observation sites where you pull your car over and all that is keeping you from falling down 10,000 feet is a little grey bar. We all get out of the car and are looking out over the gorgeous snowy mountain tops (yes the Rockies are “real” mountains that have snow all year long, even in July) when my mom (who is looking down over the mountain side while standing on the edge of the mountain up against the bar that is there to keep people from falling off the mountain (ya right) suddenly looks down over the bar looks up at my dad and says…
“Whew…I’m so dizzy (pause for about 3 seconds) so, do you want me to drive down the mountain?”
We all looked at her for what must have been a minute or 2 without saying anything, we all were looking at her & each other with the “wtf” look on our faces, then we all cracked up laughing. My mom – as usual – had no idea she had just done it again.
On one of our trips to Chi-town I must have been probably 17 I think I was a senior in HS that summer and rather full of “attitude” as I love going to Chicago, it’s an awesome city, but hated the fact that I was there with my parents on a “family vacation”. I was much too old to be seen in public with my parents – especially in Chi-town.
We arrived at our rather fancy hotel to check in, my mom and dad had been arguing about something for the last hour in the car, not really sure anymore what it was, but my dad was in a fairly sarcastic mood when we arrived. For those of us old enough to remember the 80’s there was an appliance called an “air pot”. I swear to God, my mom would not go in the car for more than an hour with out her trusted air pot (coffee).
So anyway – my dad had checked us into the hotel, we parked and we were all carrying our stuff through the lobby of the hotel, with all the other hotel guests and employees, when my mom turns around and asks my dad very loudly IN the lobby for 30-40 people to hear …“Orv, did you bring the pot?” My dad – without missing a beat promptly replied – “No, but I brought the pipe!”
Needless to say, my mom, caught again with that dumb founded deer in the headlight look on her face until she thought about it, turned bright red, and practically ran to our room.
For the next 2 days, my little sister and I swear there were bell hops and management hanging around our rooms, thinking we were a bunch of druggies or something. Of course it was the mid 80’s. And the bell hops were cute, so not all was lost :)
I can’t remember who told me this story, but it takes place in a NYC subway. This guy was sitting in one of the seats, sitting on a newspaper. Another passenger standing near by asked the seated guy if he was reading that newspaper. The guy who was seated just looked at the 2nd guy with a look like “what are you some kinda idiot? But the guy didn’t say a word. But the next time it happened to him, he was ready. With classic NY attitude he said “yes” stood up, turned the page, and sat back down.
I love that story.
Once again thanks to Kari for sending in those Stories. Keep em comming DW :)
Stories written by Kari McCarty. Posted by Wired Wizard.
|
| posted by Wired Wizard @ 3:26 PM |
|
|
|
| Do you Have any?? |
| Saturday, January 15, 2005 |
This a a joke that I told a friend of mine a while back. Now the joke works well with any supermarket or produce stand what ever and so does the veggie. Now it take place in a Publix ( large supermarket chain in the South East I believe) and a young lady doing her shopping. So with out further delay.......
A woman goes to Publix to do her grocery shopping. She stops off at the produce department and looks around for some fresh broccoli. She does not see any so she askes the young man who is working in the produce department if they have any fresh broccoli. The man replies no Ms I am very sorry but our produce truck hasn't come in as of yet and we don't have any fresh broccoli. The lady replies thank you and continues to do her shopping. About 30 minutes later she returns to the produce department and once again asks the man working in the produce department if they have gotten any fresh broccoli in. The man who was watering the produces turns and says Ms. I am sorry but we don't have any fresh broccoli yet. The woman continues her shopping visibly frustrated. After about another half an hour the woman is finished with her grocery list but has not gotten her broccoli so once again she returns to the produce department in hopes that the delivery of produce has made it in while she was finishing her shopping. She once more returns to the produce department and asks the man for a 3rd time do you have any fresh broccoli? The man replies no not yet I am very sorry. The woman pays for her items and goes back home. Upon arrival to her home she begins unloading her food and putting it away. Her husband asks hey were you able to get the fresh broccoli for tonight's dinner? The woman replies no they didn't have any and their produce truck had not gotten there. Well then why don't you go back and try again while I get dinner started. The woman finishes unloading her groceries and returns to Publix. She walks in and goes directly to the produce department and once again asks the same man if they have any fresh broccoli. Before I answer your question Ms. let me ask you one myself says the man.. The woman a bit confused agrees and the man askes do you know how to spell Dog and in Dogwood ? To which the woman says yes of course D O G ... dog. Good now can you spell Cat as in Catapiller.. Sure C A T... Cat that's good now can you spell fuck as in broccoli? to which the woman replies there's no fuck in broccoli... That's what I have been trying to tell you Ms replies the man. There is no fucking broccoli.
I don't know if that joke is better read or if it is better just flat out told with the individuals own twists but its still one of my all time favorite jokes. Tell it how you like with what ever Supermarket chain and what ever vegetable you like..
Wired Wizard.
|
| posted by Wired Wizard @ 2:13 PM |
|
|
|
| More to come still. |
| Thursday, January 13, 2005 |
I am still currently writing the stories that I had previously listed but have a few more to add.
1. The pumpernickel Paint Job.
2. Pissing In a Ditch.
3. sleeping on the hood of a camaro
4. Wal-Mart phone Calls
5. Smoking A Transfer
6. Ice Bath
7. OH JOHNNY
8. Hanging Drywall and Missing Beer Bottles.
9. More Bladder Control Problems with My Aunt Josie and My Grandmother.
10. Prom Chest Hair.
Others.....
As for my sentence structrues and punctuations and spelling if you don't like it tough shit I am not getting graded on this so don't whine about it. I am sure no one can be that perfect when typing. So till then Don't fart in an elevator when there are only 2 people in it you always know who did it...
Wired Wizard |
| posted by Wired Wizard @ 6:29 PM |
|
|
|
| The Machine Gunner |
|
My aunt Josie was a wonderful lady. She was short in stature but let me tell you she had the biggest heart. But besides that she had 2 major problems one was her uncontrolable flatulance and the other was poor bladder control. More on the bladder control for a different story but as for her farts well just keep reading.....
When I first moved to Florida I lived with my aunt Josie and my uncle Raymond. They had moved here a year and a half prior and had build a nice comfortable house here in (insert town here) well as well as my aunt and uncle my great grandmother and my cousin Steve ( Big STEVE ) also lived in the house. It was all cozy and shit. Well one night I was sitting in my cousins bedroom watching TV ( we didn't drive at the time and there really wasn't anything to do in town anyway) and just being avarage teens. Steve asked me to go into the kitchen and find out what his mom ( my aunt Josie) was making for supper. I got up and strolled into the kitchen and noticed her by the stove stiring something in a pot. I went to the cabinet got a glass and grabbed something to drink and asked her what was for dinner. She squatted down about 3 inches let out a huge fart that lasted 10 seconds and about 8 different octives and started laughing. I just said to her never mind I am not that hungry. I went back into the room and my cousin asked so whats for dinner? To which I replied machine gunner fart stew. I think we headed to McDonalds after that.
Wired Wizard. |
| posted by Wired Wizard @ 4:23 PM |
|
|
|
| Italians are funny People. |
| Wednesday, January 12, 2005 |
My Friend Hanna sent in this joke to me yesterday and I thought it was pretty damn funny. Now if you have never heard an Italian accent from someone that has come off the boat or has lived here for years but never lost the accent your going to miss the joke but on the other hand if your creative enough or know someone who is Italian or are Italian yourslef you will enjoy the joke..... Ahhh screw it just read the damn thing already.
Dear Signore Direttore,
Now I am tella you a story wot I was a-treated at your hotella.
I am a-comma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as a-younga christian man at your hotella.
When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed - how can I sleep with no shit in my bed? So I calla down to receptione and tella.
-"I wanta shit."
They tella me: -"Go to toilet."
I say: -"No, no I wanta shit in my bed."
They say: -"You'd better not shit in your bed, you sonna-wa-bitch."
I go down for breakfast into restorante. I order bacon and egga and two pissis of toast. I gotta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress and point at toast:
-"I wanta piss."
She tella me: -"Go to toilet."
I say: -"No, I wanta piss on my plate."
She then say to me: -"You'd bloody wella not piss on the plate, you sonna-wa-bitch."
That is the second person who do not even know me calla me "sonna-wa-bitch", and why is your staff replying "go to toilet"? Is that a modern tella? I do not understand, please tella me!
Later I go for dinner in your ristorante. Spoon and knife is laid out, but no fock. I tella waitress.
-"I wanta fock."
And she tella me: -"Sure, everyone wanta fock."
I tella her: -"No, you don't understand me, I wanta fock on the table."
She tella me: -"So you sonna-wa-bitch want a fock on the table? Get your ass out of here!"
How comma this christian hotella tella the guest in such bed manner?
So I go to rezeptione and ask for bill. I no wanta stay in this hotella no more. When I have paid the a-billa the portier say to me: -"Thank you, and piss on you."-
I say: -"Piss on you too you sonna-wa-bitch, I now go back to Italy."-
Direttore, I never gonna stay in your hotella no more, you sonna-wa-bitch."-
Sincerely
Dicci Elgré
Thanks to Hanna for that joke :) |
| posted by Wired Wizard @ 1:48 PM |
|
|
|
| New Stories |
| Monday, January 10, 2005 |
Well I have contacted a few of my closest friends to contribute stories as well and will be contacting some family to add their 2 cents as well so things should be intersting to say the least. So here is the long and short of contributors and possible contributors.
1. Brian Baker My best friend for well over 15 years.
2. Johnny Capauna My other best friend whom I have known for just as long.
3. Kari McCarty the other side of my coin and sounding board.
4. Wilfred Rivera my cousin if I can talk him into it.
5. Alex Rivera orginal Creator of the Florida Black Hole Project
6. My mom and her Brighthouse stories.
7. Jake Vannabouathong my cohort in crime up in Mass.
8. Eddie Verdi my best friend from back in NY whom I have known for 20+ years.
9. Paul G. Weston my buddy from England.
10. Your name here???
So look out for these stories I am sure you will enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy posting them. |
| posted by Wired Wizard @ 10:21 PM |
|
|
|
| Papi Im full |
|
As I stated My uncle Willie was a really funny guy. Of course I say so only in retrospect. There were times that I didn't see eye to eye with him or thought that he would take things way out of control but I am not going to bash him or make him seem like some asshole on the contrary I want to make him out in the best possible light and to do so I have to remember his humor. He was always quick with the comebacks or insults ( you really have to growing up in NY) so to say that he had a razorsharp tounge when it came to the jokes would be an accurate description.
But on one occasion he must of had to plan this comeback. My cousin Eric once told me a story that really cracked me up. At one point Eric had a habbit of not eating his dinner and would say Papi Im full and pretty much leave his plate so that he could do other things. Who knows what goes on in a 8 year olds mind. Anyway this went on for a few days and I guess one day Willie finaly had formulated his comeback. Everyone but Eric had finished eating dinner and he was still at the dinner table playing with his food not eating when his chant began. "Papi Im full" with out hesitation or even so much as a warning Willie turned around and said " FULL OF SHIT EAT YOUR FOOD".... Eric told me that Willie was so proud of his comment that he had to quickly turn around so that he would not get caught grinning. Needless to say Eric never would leave the dinner table after that without finishing his food. I have to admit I know where Eric got his sense of humor from so I might have to retell the pumpernickel paint job one day.
Story originaly told by Eric Perez.
Wired Wizard |
| posted by Wired Wizard @ 3:26 PM |
|
|
|
| I can Make it. |
|
My uncle William ( Willie for short) was a pretty funny guy in his day. Always with a quick joke or some way to make a person smile. His humor was very subtle and sometimes you didn't even realize it till after, that the situation was funny. Case in point would be his driving skills. To say that Willie was a gifted driver is a mild understatement. He was probably the luckiest driver of all time. If you have ever driven in NYC or Brooklyn to be percise you would know that most streets are one way and people double parked all the way down the street. Well Willie would start at the beginning of the street at a regular clip and notice that the light was red at the end of the street suddenly he would punch it and fly down the street at about 65 to 70 miles an hour which might not seem fast but is when you only have about a quarter of an inch of space on both sides. Now mind you the light was red and all he would say was I CAN MAKE IT..... make what???? possibly the accident larger than it had to be who knows but he would floor it as I said and haul ass all the way down the street racing to a red light and sure enough at the end the light would be green and he would make it through how he managed this is unknown he probably had some intimate knowledge of streetlights or if kids would be darting out from inbetween cars but he would do the impossible thats for sure. Needless to say my cousin Wilfred didn't like to drive with him and trust me Wilfred is a nutcase when it comes to his driving ( love ya cuz..) To say that Willie was a bit insane would be very gracious we are talking borderline lunatic when it came to his driving habbits. Needless to say he will and is truly missed.
Story re-told from original story told by Wilfred Rivera.
Wired Wizard |
| posted by Wired Wizard @ 3:12 PM |
|
|
|
| Comming soon |
| Sunday, January 09, 2005 |
There are a few stories that were told to me over the weekend about my family some I remembered and others I had heard for the First time. Here are the working titles of what is to come.
I can Make it ( story about my uncle William and his driving)
Papi Im Full ( another storty about good old Uncle Willie as told by his son)
Head Bangers Ball at the Movies ( what my uncle Raymond had to deal with )
Head Bangers Ball part 2 ( the trip home with my cousin Debbie)
Machine Gunner ( My dear Aunt Josie and her uncontrollable Flatulence)
The Beat Down ( me and my cousins Idea of fun )
No One can breath Under water ( what happens when my family are all in a pool)
Shot to the ribs ( My cousin Lisa has a great right hook )
Whats that smell? ( Trip in an elevator)
Drunken Wisdom ( some of the wisest saying I have heard my friend Nino say)
Other stories to follow as I am told them so look out for them. |
| posted by Wired Wizard @ 10:43 PM |
|
|
|
| Fugitaboutit |
| Saturday, January 08, 2005 |
 Please fill out this form and for your sake you better realize that this is a life time employment opportunity. Trust me we make offers you can't refuse and believe me you don't want to know what happens when you refuse
I have to Admit growing up in Brooklyn had alot of advantages. Think about it
only 2 states are synonomous ( how ever you spell that ) with the Mob. Now in
the eyes of some people the mob is nothing but tough guys and their businesses
are nothing but fronts for illegal activites but I tend to disagree. I would
trust the mob way before I would trust our government and thats saying alot. At
least the mob tells you straight up that your getting fucked the government just
lies about it then says its nothing more than a conspirsy ( another bad spelling
I know) then there is a cover up and there was never any shooter in the grassy
knowl. The mob at least had benifits providing you don't screw them over and you
do the job, and if you get busted so what there is enought money to get you out
and enough high priced laywers in their back pockets to make sure that the 25 to
life is cut down to probation and a slap on the wrist. The government on the
other hand lets just not go there. So where is this post going? no where I just
wanted to play with the picture posted nothing more
Wired
Wizard |
| posted by Wired Wizard @ 2:09 AM |
|
|
|
| Would you like Fries With that ? |
| Friday, January 07, 2005 |
We all go to McDonalds or Wendys or any of the other fast food resturants in our respective communities. But why is it that none of these people can get a simple order correct? How many times have you driven to one of these establishments only to find that that when you get your order it is not what you had requested? It has happened many times to me. A prime example of that was a visit to Crystals in Orlando Florida. Me and a friend decided we wanted a quick lunch between classes and figured Crystals was both cheap and within walking distance. We got to Crystals and decided to order the 10 pack of cheese burgers. Now for those of you who may or may not know what Crystals is it is the eqavalent of White Castle Hamburgers southern style. Any way back to my story. We ordered 5 burgers with cheese and no mustard ( I hate mustard on my burgers) the other 5 were ordered with cheese and mustard. Simple right? WRONG the moron who attended us couldn't have possibly had a 8th grade education, she gave us our drinks and told us that our food would be up shortly and that she would bring it to our table. Cool. So we wait for about 10 minutes and sure enough here comes our food. We start looking over the burgers only to find that they are not cheese burgers and all of them have mustard. So I assumed it was a simple mistake it happens the lunch hour can be busy I understand this so I went to the counter and explained my situation to the tard behind the counter. She gave me a quizical look and asked me what was wrong 3 different times and I slowly had to explain each time. So she finaly appeared to understand what I was trying to say and took the burgers back and told me that my order would be up in a moment and that she was sorry about the mistake. An additonal 10 minutes went by and our server returned with our burgers. Once again I checked our order to make sure that this time my concerns were addressed. And what do you know this time they were all cheese burgers but guess what they all had mustard on them. By this point I was furious and running out of time seeing that class would begin in 20 minutes and that it took 10 to get my burgers and an additonal 10 to drive back to campus. Humm what to do. My friend was already cracking up at my frustration and asked me why don't you just wipe the mustard off so we can eat and get out of here. I refused to do so when I had made such a simple request for a meal one that possibly a 3 year old could have compleated but not the tard behind the counter or the dumbass who was actually making the order. I returned to the counter for a 3rd time. The attendant looked visibly confused and scared because she knew something was wrong for the 3rd time. Before I could even say anything a manager apeared from behind the fryers somewhere and asked if he could help me. I explained that I had ordered 10 cheese burgers 5 with mustard 5 without, and that this is the 3rd time that I had to return to the counter with my order not properly filled. He paused for a moment and took the burgers back and told me that he would personaly make them to assure that it was correct this time. I thought to myself let see if the high school drop out with the white shirt and gold name tag can figure this out I mean hell it can't be as hard as nuclear physics right? Well the alloted 10 minutes passed when the manager apeared from behind the counter with our burgers I waited with antcipation as to what would be brought to us from the superior intellect of the store manager. Well he brought the burgers to our table and waited as we inspected them. Would you belive that this Store manager brought us plain burgers I just looked at him my friend just busted out laughing because he knew what was comming next. I took one of the tiny burgers from the container and opened it up NO CHEESE humm whats wrong with this picture. The manager smiled at me and asked is everything alright? I paitently asked him does there look like there is any cheese on these burgers? He looked at me with a look like ut oh I fucked up and asked you did request burgers with now mustard right? I just said to him as calmly as I could and I quote I want 10 cheese burgers half without mustard. He looked as if I had unlocked the secrets of the universe for him and asked him to understand it... So the 4th time he got the order right and refunded my money to boot. OF course it took the better half of 40 minutes for this transaction to occur but hey at least I didn't have to pay for it. So not only will this poor schumck be jocking a counter at a burger place but chances are good that he will be doing it for a long time to come maybe not at Crystals but I am sure that some where some time he will probably look at you with that deer in the headlights look and ask you Would you like fries with that ??
Wired Wizard |
| posted by Wired Wizard @ 7:10 PM |
|
|
|
|
|
" 
