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| More Cut and Paste Jokes |
| Friday, May 20, 2005 |
My Ideal woman when I was about 5 years old isn't she just adorable? By now you all know that I love the miracles of Cut and Paste so with out further BS I will just get to the good stuff.
My buddy Carl from over at Sunshine blasters decided to send in some jokes for me to post here ahhh it's good to have other people do your work for you but anyway here are the jokes.
What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common? They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!
A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous male clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where he is standing, unzips his pants, and places his dick on the counter. "What are you doing, sir?", he asks. "This is a clock-shop!!" He replied, "I know it is. And I would like 2 hands and a face put on THIS!!"
The gay man had come to have a tooth extracted. The dentist approached him with a hypodermic and said, "you might feel a little prick in your mouth at first." The patient smiled and said, "thank you".
What's the difference between a fag and a microwave? A microwave won't brown your meat.
The Parrot
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautifulbird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only £20."
"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well," replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity."
"Oh, I don't mind that," said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".
So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman "Fuck me, a fucking new brothel and a fucking new madam."
"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel," says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and let's it drop.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new fucking prostitutes" says the parrot whenhe sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their filthy newpet.
A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.
"Well fuck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new fucking whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?" says the parrot.
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud-hole and begins to sink. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud-hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and backs the car up, saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud-hole. The chicken yelled to te horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can straddle the mud-hole!" So he stretched over the width of it and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
How do you get four gay men to sit on one bar stool? Turn it upside down!
Voodoo Dick
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing,nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoodick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he wasgone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how toshut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right... Voodoo Dick, my ass!"
Two condoms are walking past a gay bar one turns to the other and says "You wanna go in there and get shitfaced?"
Why did the condom fly across the room? It got pissed off.
What do sprouts and pubes have in common? You push them both aside while you're eating.
Four guys get off of work at the steel plant and are setting around a table at the local bar. One of them excuses him self to go to the bathroom. The other three set at the table talking. The first tells the others that he feared his son was going to be a failure because he started off washing cars at dealership. Someone asked him about a car he was washing, and decided to buy it. The sales manager promoted him to salesman, and he was so good at it he soon bought his own place, in fact, he has been so successful, he gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday! The second guy told them that his son had started out as the mail boy at a brokerage house, and that he too had gotten a big break. He went on to start a brokerage firm of his own, and had done so well that he gave his best friend a million dollar stock portfolio for his birthday.
The third guy told them that his son had started off doing yard work for a real-estate company, and he too got a lucky break and had made a fortune. He was doing so well he gave his best friend a beautiful new home for his birthday. The other guy came back from the men's room and asked what they had been talking about. They told him that they had been discussing how well their sons had turned out. He hung his head and told them that his son had become a MAJOR embarrassment. He became a hair stylist right after high school, and after many years had the same job. In fact, I just found out that he was gay and had several lovers. I try to look at the bright side though, he just had a birthday and his lovers gave him a new Mercedes, a beautiful new home and a million dollar stock portfolio!
What's long, hard and full of semen? A submarine
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 litre of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 750ml bottle of wine
The bloke at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"
The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're f*cking ugly."
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to
go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your asshole before prison...
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.
As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her.
“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says,"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!
Well thats a pretty long read so enjoy the jokes and have fun and once again thanks to Carl for sending those in.
Wired Wizard
Pussy taste great less filling |
posted by Wired Wizard @ 5:43 PM   |
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