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| The Return of Cut and Paste Jokes. |
| Wednesday, May 18, 2005 |
Ever Have one of these days??
 Click on the pic so you can see what I mean.
Anyway back by popular demand the return of cut and paste jokes. My friend Hanna from Finland sent in a few good ones so I figured that I would share these with you so here there are enjoy.
You are so sexy when you have a hang
over...
Great fart! Let me hear another one!
I rather watch football and drink beer with you
than go shopping.
Lets go to the mall and you can watch women behinds!
Honey, the daughter of our new neighbour is getting a
suntan again, come see!
Do me a favor and forget the valentines day
and buy your self some golfclubs...
I understand, our wedding anniversary comes every
year. You go ahead hunting with boys, it releases stress...
I will not give you head unless you come all the
way...
You wanna have sex with me and my hot friend. I am
ok with that!
of course I will pay!
I don't need any new clothes, I have plenty
already.
I just changed the tail pipe and oils from our
car.
You don't have to come to see my relatives, I go
alone.
I understand, no need to explain.
I can.
You were really late out with your friends. I am
glad that you had fun!
Women needs to stay home,
you say what ever you
want!
Look what I brought from the store. New Sarah Young
Porn video!
go ahead, drink. You want me to bring you a beer or
shall I make you a drink?
Take money from my wallet, so your friends don't
have to buy you drinks.
This christmas I will not invite mom
over!
Shall we buy new car or a motorboat?
After I go and get you a beer, I will blow you, no
matter what!
( ahhh if only women were like this one can always dream)
A nice tounge twister
"Three witches watch three Swatch watches. Which witch watch which Swatch
watch?"
Say that one 3 times fast.
And now for some more copy and paste nonsense
Rocket Scientist
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.
Arrangements were made.
But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA's response was just one sentence,
"Thaw the chicken."
Know Your Hangover
One-star hangover
* No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap, which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 soft drinks and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a cheeseburger and a side of fries.
Two-star hangover ** No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a fresh and fruity pancake breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is surfing the Internet and writing junk e-mails.
Three-star hangover
*** Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space shot and so not productive. Anytime a girl/guy walks by, you gag because her/his perfume/BO reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 3:45am. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of Coke watching Good Morning Australia with crater face. You've had four cups of coffee, a jug of water, two sausage rolls and a litre of Diet Coke - yet you haven't peed once.
Four-star hangover
**** Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth are brown, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76. You would walk over your mother for one or all of the following:1. The clock to strike 6pm.2. The entire appetiser list from Smorgy's.3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
Five-star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell).
***** You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry, but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is bitch about your state - which is a mystery to you because you definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were and what you drank. The only thing you can do is pass out. It's when you wake up a few hours later with a lesser-star hangover that you eat a large pizza, a ham and cheese omelette and a batch of Rice Krispie treats.
And Finally
Now Zen, Now Zen . . . .
Here are some philosophical musings...
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tyre.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. No one is listening until you break wind.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
19. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Wired Wizard.
Most animals eat their young how you survived childhood is a mystery. |
posted by Wired Wizard @ 5:44 PM   |
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