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| New and Improved Asshole |
| Monday, May 16, 2005 |
Slurp slurp ack ack slurp suck suck ahhh
The Asshole guide for Beginners Part 1
Now I have been known to be an asshole from time to time thats nothing new but even an old dog can learn some new tricks.
I have compiled a few new tactics some might seem far fetched other just flat out insane but all are worth a try.
This will be an ongoing project for people wanting to unleash their inner asshole so read on.
Asshole in the Workplace.
The workplace is supposed to be full of professionals but most professionals are stuffy stuck up jerks so we shall begin here with ways to be an utter asshole.
1. senario: The secretary who gets a new boob job
Solution: Stare at her new bolt ons for at least a good 3 to 4 minutes never make eye contact when she finaly asks what you are looking at say in a loud enough voice " DAMN WOMAN THOSE ARE SOME HUGE ASS TITTIES HOW MUCH DID YOU PAY FOR THOSE BABIES" turn around and calmly walk away.
2 Senario: The Know it all do nothing boss or supervisor.
Solution: most people in higher positions love nothing more than to pile their work on your desk they call it delegation I call it passing the buck. This normally on a Friday that said supervisor or boss will pile all the shit he or she didn't do durring the week and then expects you to do on your personal time at home for them. Well to counter such nonsense there are 2 ways to do this right around 4:50 leave your cubicle, desk, office, station where ever and hide in the bathroom with all your personal belongings. Make sure to log off your computer if it applies to you. At 5 pm leave via the stairs and avoid the elevator. Or the other method would be to stick around and say yeah sure I will do it. Then take the stack of paperwork that has been placed in your care and leave it at your desk all weekend. Monday morning make sure to arrive at work at least 30 minutes early and walk into your Boss' boss' office ( bit of a tounge twister) drop the stack on his desk and say look what so and so left on my desk Friday afternoon because he said he had an important business meeting. ( make sure to get pictures of the douche bag playing golf or at a club drunk off his ass fondling the waitress give evidence to boss send pics to wife as well) and then return to your station and wait for the fire works.
3 Senario: the jerk who takes your parking space every day.
Solution: Get to work at least an hour early plant spike strips in your parking space then leave to get some coffe at favorite spot. Take your time enjoy the moring. Then return to work as the selfish bastard is having his car put up on the tow truck with 4 flat tires that will learn the bastard. Repeat as necessary.
4 Senario: Work more with less management mentality type.
Solution: these people are a breed of bottom feeders all their own they have tranceded asshole and have secured their place in hell. To deal with them make sure to fail every goal they present to you when they fire you make sure to sue them not only will management lose their job but you will be personally vindicated.
5 Senario: the bitch that won't shut the fuck up (STFU)
Solution: I love to tell people to STFU it's in my nature but you know there is at least 1 bitch at work that won't shut the hell up to save his or her life. Either on their cell phones or just yapping away durring their lunch hour or by the water cooler.
Grab some super glue and place it in their lipstick that should shut that bitch up if it's a guy a swift kick in the balls will ensure some silence and some good laughs for all.
6 Senario: The office slut that will fuck everyone but you.
Solution: Find out who this whore is after in terms of a romp in the sack. Then start sending little love notes from said person to whet her appitie for whoring. Then send Flowers this will get her ultra anxious. Lastly tell her to meet in a secluded area of the building such as broom closet or bathroom with the lights off. Proceed to have your way with her do every nasty thing you can think of ( tea bagging, Dirty Sanchez ect ect) make sure you video tape it but don't have your face caught on camera. Blow a load on her face make sure to get some hin her hair as well. ( Cum is difficult to get out ) Then leave while she is getting dressed. Play video tape at mandatory meeting chances are she will get fired on the spot if not she will be banished to the mail room or something where she will never be seen again.
7 Senario: The male whore
Solution: first get some tips from the lucky bastard pick up a few traits then start spreading a rummor around the office that not only is mister gigalo married but has a sexually transmitted disease or you can spread the fact that the guy is actually gay either way works he will soon be a pariah.
8 Senario: The late superivsor who jumps your shit for being 1 minute late to work.
Solution: this asshole has a holier than thou attitued and we can't have that now can we. Not only that he normally shows up late 3 0r 4 times a week but constantly busts your chops.
Plant about 2 or 3 pounds of cocaine or pot crack what ever drug you can think of in his car. Add a few guns and pics of alternative pornagraphy in said car. Right before he leaves for work call the police and make an annonomous tip. Make sure his boss finds out about said altercation. Wait for promotion.
Well thats all for the office that I can think of for now but I will update this little by little if I remember
Wired Wizard.
Oh My God thats you smelling like that |
posted by Wired Wizard @ 3:07 PM   |
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